Archive | December, 2010

Just in the nick of time…

17 Dec

Well, you will pleased to hear (hopefully!) that i have finally found a new home. It was getting tense. I always feel like if i just keep positive and believe things will work out, they will. But this was getting pretty damn close to the sharp rotating blade this time.

*raising fist* “Damn you fate!!”

But voila, it’s sorted itself out with less than 24 hours to departure. And conveniently the bedroom becomes available the very day i fly back into Paris. It’s such a relief that now i can enjoy my holiday without the overbearing sense that i’ll be coming home to a place where i have no home. (Not that i’m not used to that feeling, i’m just a little tired of it – sorry about the posts of doom!)

But now i’m feeling good. It’s amazing how laying one little rock on the ground can change the entire trajectory of your thoughts. In the back of my mind, returning to Australia this time felt less like a holiday and more like a location scout for the inevitable deposit of my failed life in France.

Not anymore. Now i have one hurdle jumped, albeit with a bit of a knee graze, now i can concentrate on the rest of them from the comfort of my own room.

 

 

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Candy floss and mid air flying…

14 Dec

I am in a state of disarray.

Every element of stability in my life right now is sitting on a chair in an amusement park ride. One that spins left and right AND up and down. One that is operated by a man sporting a cigarette and an ominous mustache.

I am off to Australia for Christmas on Saturday, which will be an amazing break, holiday, moment of temporary sanity, but i’m not sure that my trip will allow the ride to stop.

I think it’s more likely that it will be a temporary mid air pause – like the mid air suspension that takes place while some child at the base is alighting their carriage crying, and vomiting on their father’s feet.

It is silent waiting up there at the top, you can hear distant noise, and you know what’s coming, but it is peaceful. There’s nothing else you can do so you just sit, enjoy the rest, and wait for the ride to begin again.

I don’t even know what this elaborate fairground metaphor is trying to say, aside from the fact that my head is spinning and i wanna get off the ride.

The only concern then is when i am able to finally get off, and the adrenaline wears away, am i only going to be screaming for more?

Can i really ever leave the amusement park? Or am i just not that type of girl?

A non post…

9 Dec

I haven’t written in the last couple of days simply because i am not feeling so awesome.

I’m a little exhausted (can you be a little exhausted? Or is it like saying ‘he’s only a little bit dead’?) and i’ve got other issues occupying the tiny space between my ears rendering me incapable of writing cool things.

I don’t want this blog to be about me venting my personal anguish at the world, as i’m not that sort of person, i’m just having a moment.

Suffice to say if i can just find an apartment that that i like, on a budget that i like, with flatmates that i like, then that will be one load off my back. I seem to be spending so much time scrolling through long winded flatshare ads, thinking ‘wow this one is awesome’, only to read in the FINAL sentence things like ’60 year old female smoker with 2 cats’ or ‘male students only’.

I’ll end this uplifting prose by admitting that it just took me far too long to work out why the word ‘apartment’ was underlined in red in the above paragraph. What is it about learning a new language that renders you incapable of being able to spell in your own language?

Is one learning a new skill at the detriment of an old one? Or is it just me that has that problem?

To be (here), or not to be (here)…

2 Dec

I’ve been thinking a lot about my future lately.

I’ve been thinking about where i’m going, what i’m doing here in Paris (better late than never?) and what it really means to me to be an Australian living in France.

I love France. I can’t think of a tangible reason why, off the top of my head, but i feel it in everything. And i especially feel it when i think about the possibility of not being able to be here any more.

The reason these thoughts are cropping up now, is because after April, i will no longer have the right to work, or live for that matter, in this country that has seemingly taken a very firm grasp on my wellbeing.

And it’s a source of constant anxiety.

As much as i hate planning, it prevents me from even doing so 3 to 6 months into the future, and while just creating a life here and living it was the initial goal, i’ve done that now – and i’m ready to want for more.

The constant difficulties that come with living in a big city, not speaking the language, and not having a secure network of people around you, were all the challenge that i needed for the first year or so. It was hard enough to get by, so taking a job that pays the rent, but offers little else in terms of stimulation has satisfyed me, and my motivation for more had dwindled.

But i feel my ambition creeping slowly back. Now that life is settling down, and chaos is present but becoming harder to find, i’m looking for my next injection of trouble.

I love being different here. I love being an etranger. I love to (over)analyse every little detail of our cultures, and how they clash, and how they grow. I also want to be valued for my opinion in a professional capacity once again, yet funnily enough, the fact that i AM an etranger, and the fact that i LOVE France,  is exactly what makes me unable to find the job that i want.

And it’s a bit of a bind.