Coffee with the man who broke my heart. Twice. Part 2.

18 Nov

I looked at him as he removed his coat and the first thing i noticed were all the distinctive marks of being dressed by a woman. He was absolutely not that trendy 6 months ago. The jeans had become a little tighter and the standard issue navy blue v neck jumper (the one i imagine he has worn every day for nigh on 15 years) had been replaced by a fitted, camel coloured cardigan.

It seemed like an ironic cruel joke. I didn’t ever give a second thought to the way he dressed, i simply didn’t care, yet any of my friends will be all too aware of my ferocious desire, today, for almost any man sporting a woolly cardigan. (Well, a cardigan teamed with a shaggy pile of dark curly hair. And while i’m on it, if you happen to be reading this, looking down, and thinking, ‘hey, that’s me!’ do not hesitate to send an email.)

Thank god his hair was neither curly nor shaggy.

Anyway, with this change of style in mind, i asked him if he was now living with the ‘other’ woman. Some may be cringing now thinking ‘why on EARTH would you want to know that’, but, I was genuinely interested to know if it had all worked out for him after the chaos that i’d endured.

But he wouldn’t tell me anything, and really just went mute at any mention of it. I don’t know whether that means that there’s nothing to tell, or whether he has enough heart to decide to spare my feelings with the truth. I assume the latter.

All i can say, and DID say, was that i hoped they were happy. I hoped for his sake it did all work out.

He did seem to be genuinely flawed by what had happened, i could tell he seemed both sad, and remorseful. He tried again and again to apologise, to remind me that everything he said to me was sincere, and that it was a shock and a crazy experience for him too when this other woman came back into the picture. But kind of futile to be saying these things now.

Surprisingly, he had somewhat of a speech prepared. No note cards, but clearly some long thought out reflection (tautology?). Apparently, courtesy of an olive branch i’d extended via SMS, he’d had quite a reflective Summer. And he wanted to thank me.

I’d imparted some lessons of ‘humanity’ (actually, i had ‘learned him lots of humanity’), which, due to my ‘intelligence, kindness and wisdom’ made him see some huge flaws in himself – so big he spent all Summer thinking about them, and me.

(At this point i thought it wise not to mention that when he called me this morning i looked at the caller ID to see the word ‘Mechant‘ staring back at me.)

It was hard to tell if i was sensing a tiny bit of regret. I know it’s the way it goes, that the ‘dumpER’ always sprouts the requisite bullshit praise for the ‘dumpEE’, as a gesture of kindness for letting them down, but i have to say, it still felt good.

The last thing i wanted was to be that idiot that wastes her time instilling values into someone only to have another woman to benefit, but it was nice to know that someone i once put on a pedestal, now looks up to ME.

I’ve said before that i always felt he was better than me – more together, more accomplished, and far more beautiful (clearly a contribution to the end of the relationship) – but for the first time, i felt like i could see everything clearly.

I AM amazing. He is NO better than me in ANY way. I just wish i could have seen that earlier…


3 Responses to “Coffee with the man who broke my heart. Twice. Part 2.”

  1. villy November 18, 2010 at 10:53 pm #

    😀 I kept checking back for an update!

    Anyway, this made me smile so much: I AM amazing. He is NO better than me in ANY way. I just wish i could have seen that earlier…


  2. M November 19, 2010 at 6:20 am #

    and that mon amie is what they call closure. well done. chin up.

  3. Poulette November 19, 2010 at 10:51 am #

    thanks girls, i appreciate the support. It was tough out there!

    The word ‘closure’ still makes my stomach churn. It’s exactly what it was, yet possibly exactly what my weaker self didn’t want.

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